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My Ex my abuser, the pregnancy

deanbevan

Updated: Jun 11, 2024


I could not believe it when she told me things were so bad between us and we were going to bring a baby into this (yes I know a lot of people think this is wrong but) I wouldn’t want anyone to get an abortion of my child, I love being a dad. She was taking so much medication to keep her kind of sane and off the drink how was a baby going to make it? Her mom was not happy at all and did not think it was a good idea. She booked in to see the midwife to start the ball rolling and get advice on what to do regards the medication, the doctor was as shocked as us that she had gotten pregnant. I remember sitting in the waiting room at the first scan thinking there was going to be something wrong with the baby by this time she was starting to show signs that she wasn’t happy and I have to be honest thinking back it seems reasonable to that this is when she started drinking again because of the way her mood and behavior changed. When we went in two the scan the midwife said there is two heart beats me being me was like oh hers and the babies? No there is two baby heart beats. I could not believe it not one baby but two had managed to make it to 12 weeks. She seemed happy as well but shocked, it was nice and I was honestly happy I had always wanted twins just never in the situation I was in. the happiness quickly turned into oh shit when we went in to see the doctor he said that because she had her other children taken off of her that he was contacting social services to be fair I know he was just doing his job he was a dick about it all. When the phone call come a couple of weeks later that social services wanted to come and meet with me and her I was annoyed the lady was quite dry on the phone which just worried me waiting for the visit, and it just stressed me more that she had started getting angry all the time again she had smashed a glass into the side of my head because I needed some money and all the money was in her account I had to ask her for it and she went off on one and all I wanted was money I pointed out that I was my wages and bang glass everywhere.

When the social worker came to visit she was asking everything as she needed to do and she asked me about smoking weed as at that time that was all they knew she done I said yeah I smoked it when I was 14 15 but I wanted to work and it didn’t suit working with power saws and being stoned. Shit when we got the report from her, she wrote that I had in the past had issues with cannabis!! I was a kid, and it was nearly 20 years ago. But any way the report said that the girls would be born under a child protection order, she was on the phone so fast screaming at them that she would not comply, and she was shot down right away and told that the twins would be taken into care. When the social worker assigned to the twins, and we met her she was really nice and made me feel better I recall telling her that no one was taking the twins as I had done nothing wrong and I could keep them safe as I would rather die then let anything happen to them. She set up a child protection meeting for us and everyone that needed to be there to support her and she left us alone till we went to the meeting.

One Sunday morning I got screamed at because she wanted to get a new sofa and a pushchair, and it had to be a corner sofa because her ex and his new partner had just been and brought one. It was nice looking at all the baby things and she chose what pushchair she wanted and put down a deposit it was £2500 how the hell was I going to afford that! Well I had no choice I took on night time work as well as my day job to earn the money for it, things were really getting bad again she was moody all the time and nasty dam she would say the most spiteful things and nothing I done was ever good enough and I was the worse person ever, but looking at it now I just think that is how alcoholics act none of them are very nice once they get drink in them. For six weeks I renovated a flat in the evenings and I was not getting home till 2 3 am and up again at 6.30 for the day job so I did not see a great deal of her during the weeks and at the weekends I would take her to see her kids or pick them up. It was at this time things really turned bad I had kept asking her to stop or at least cut down smoking and it had started becoming a mine field and I found it hard when her mom and dad sent up packs of 200 fags every weekend or other weekend which ever one it was.

Then one Saturday morning when she was 28 weeks pregnant she asked me to put #Netflix on her tablet so her daughter could watch it up in her room, so I got her tablet and turned it on because it had been on charge and all the messages started coming through from Messager she had forgotten it was linked to her tablet and that when I seen that she had been making dirty videos for one of her exes that had been so rough with her that it had scared her. I was disgusted she was 28 weeks pregnant making porn for him and I knew it right then and there that I was done anything that I had ever felt for her was gone right in that second, and honestly because she would disappear a lot I did worry if the twins were mine horrible to say but its true. I told her I had seen the messages and she went made that she was bored because I worked so much and it was my fault I just couldn’t believe it her mom asked me to stay at the house until the Sunday because she was there with the kids and didn’t feel safe being there alone. I hated being there that night and, on the Sunday, I packed my stuff and moved a load to my container and when back to the house and her car had gone, she was banned from driving at this point. I reversed on to the drive and went in to get more of my stuff and I heard her pull up and block me in. she come storming in wanting a fight and I told her it was over I wasn’t putting up with it anymore and that I was going to tell social services what was really going on and I was going to fight her for the twins. Being in a abusive relationship with her ex should have helped her keep her children but because she never reported it to police it never helped her, so as I’m loading my van she calls the police saying that I think first time it was I had hit her and I wouldn’t leave the house I had come back in at that point and shouted over her that I was trying to leave and she had blocked me in. when she put the phone down she went out moved her car and I left. When I got to #Bideford which is about 15 minutes from the house I called the police and asked to speak to someone because of what had happened thinking they would hear me out and help sort things out I said I would wait at #MacDonalds for them four hours I sat there waiting for them and when they arrived they didn’t want to talk to me they just arrested me. After a few hours of being in the cells I was questioned and they asked what had happened I tell them and they were like well when she made the call she said you had hit her but when she talked to the officers she said that she never said you hit her you pushed her over the coffee table but she’s just made her statement and said you had pushed her on to the sofa, so they said they knew she wasn’t right and that she had made it up, great can I go then yes Mr. Bevan but you have to be at Exeter court on Tuesday. I got given a domestic order I couldn’t believe it but I just wanted to but it all behind me and start building my life again then on the way back to Bideford I get a call from her mom and dad asking me to go back and she’s really sorry and wanted you to go home and the twins are going to need you there etc. etc. and it was the idea that she could heard the twins that made me go back the thing was I knew I didn’t feeling anything for her anymore but I went back like her and her parents wanted.

The following Friday we had the child protection meeting and they had been told what had happened and had a domestic officer in the meeting I told them what had happened and I told them that I hadn’t touched her and she just sat there and said he wont get the twins now will he. The office surprised me he said asked her if she thought I was right to be angry over what she had been doing she said yeah and he replied well if he did hit you push you in the heat of the moment after finding out what you were doing I think he acted like 99% of blokes would and he did not think he needed to be involved. One of the ladies in the meeting I can’t remember what her job tile was just wanted to know why I felt it was ok to go though her tablet and that was controlling and I had to explain that she asked me to and when I turned her tablet on because it had died the messages come up.

The pregnancy was getting harder to mange she would refuse to eat or drink and kept having to go into hospital to go on a drip she would come back to the house for a week or so then have to go back in for 24 hours. The last week of the pregnancy she went into hospital and one of the midwifes smelt drink on her and wrote it into to her notes but did not ask about it, why would you not ask how unprofessional was that? A couple of days later we had a call from the social working wanting to know she had started drinking again, as always, she talked her way out of it. Then on the 21st of June 2020 she went into hospital and started to get pains and it turned out she was going into labor at 34 weeks and 1 day I was working in #Barnstaple where the hospital is but she hadn’t taken her hospital bag in with her so I dropped everything at work went back to the house then went to the hospital.



When I got there she was going mad at everyone she was so rude to them it was embarrassing but as normal I made excuses for her I was there with her until about 11.15 when she kicked me out because she wanted me to go back to the house and feed all her animals I got there fed them and just lay down on the sofa and the phone rang she was crying saying the babies were coming and I need to go back, so I jumped in the van and set off back down there about 15 minutes later I got a call from the midwife saying that I need to get there right now as one of the babies was coming out. When I got there my brand-new vans engine and brakes were smoking, there was no way I was missing the birth, so I did not care about the van. I ran in and got took down to the operating room I went to go in and was stopped so I could put gowned on then I was like let’s get in there and the midwife was like no you need a hair net “I need a hair net? I am bold” while she was looking for the hair net, I was watching though the glass and I seen Dakota come out I may not have been in the room, but I was there to see her come into the world. I then got my hairnet and went in it was bedlam in there, it must have been 10 to 15 people in the room all talking over each other panicking and the consultant was looking what was going on down there and said right its time we need an emergency c section, with that some rude midwife just pushed me and I mean really pushed me towards the door and shouted to get out and with that the consultant shout to late we have a foot. I then went back to the table and seen Georgia come feet first into the world and to be fair she has pretty much been foot first in every way since. Dakota weighed in at 3ib 9oz and Georgia was 3ib 6oz. I stood there frozen as they were struggling to get Dakota to start breathing and it must have been 12 minutes before they said she was ok, and they put a breathing mask on her and rushed both of them up to the SACBU ward. I helped get her sorted and the midwife said we could go up and see them now I was like right ill push you up let’s go; she did not want to I had to push her outside for a fag.

I found out then talking to another midwife who was stood outside smoking that the lead midwife did not believe she was in labor because she was screaming about how much pain she was in but she kept getting up and walking outside to smoke and the last time she got back on the ward from smoking she was rude to them all and was screaming the baby was coming and they told her it wasn’t and she needed to get some sleep, she lay on the bed ringing the buzzer and screaming the midwife went in there and told her the baby wasn’t coming to which she throw of the blankets and shout how coming the fucking heads poking out. Which is why everyone was panicking when I got there.

Once I got her back to her room from her having a smoke I went up to meet the girls, every time I have ever had anything to do with North #Devon hospital it has been awful however the SACBU unit there is amazing I could not talk highly enough of them all in there. I walked in there and they told me the girls weren’t very well and explained what they were doing and told me it can be a shock to see them in their incubators, I walked in to see them for the first time and I just started crying they both looked so ill and Dakota having the tubes in just broke my heart, I was allowed to touch them for a minute but that was it but they have I pads on wheels and the place them next to the babies and give you one to take down to the ward and watch the girls from there, I watched that thing all night till the batteries died. In the morning dead on 8 o’clock I was up there with them they were so tiny it was scary I then was informed that they were going through withdrawals I could not believe it I sat there watching them both and they would be so still but every few minutes would start to shake. I felt like I had already let them down by not knowing that she had been drinking but I had seen her drink five bottles of wine a day for years and you would not know really that she had a drink. About 10 I got told that the social worker was on her way to see the girls I was so worried that because they were ill, she was coming to take them. But she really had just come to meet them and see how we all were doing I told her I had been worrying and she reassured me she was taking them, but we needed to talk about drinking.

The twins were in hospital for six weeks the SACBU unit were great they put us in a side room that had its own shower and tv, I stayed there every night apart from one. I would get up to do the girls feeds which I had to be trained to do as they were tube fed, I would do that go to work come back do every feed up till the 2 am one and then I would be back to do the first thing one, I gave them their first baths and changed their first nappies got wee’d and pooed on by both of them but I was just happy they were doing ok.

It took a week or two for her to really start showing a real interest in the girls if her mom and dad were there she was mom of the year and would not let me have a look in but I just let her get on with it, I didn’t know at the time but the nurses had been asked to keep an eye on both of us with the twins and after we split up it was so nice reading the notes from there as they had noticed everything and said that through out the twins stay I had been the main career and that she had an interest when needed and they believed she was having drink brought into her by friends. The nurses also made little dairies of the twins stay and looking back at them now it is amazing.



Well, what can I say now really? this is where all the niceness ended once the girls came to the house everything went bad another four months, we would be together. The next part is going to be hard to write I do not like thinking about any of it, but the next part is hard.

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